WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking yet entirely predictable move, the Trump administration has announced a tremendous new redesign of the American flag, featuring a vastly expanded blue canton with “plenty of room” for the stars of the nations America has yet to conquer.
Standing before a massive prototype flag that had to be unrolled with the help of several confused interns, former President Donald J. Trump beamed with pride. “This flag—beautiful flag, the best flag—much better than the old one, believe me—has been designed for America’s future. Because America, let’s be honest, winning is what we do. And folks, there are a lot of countries out there that are just waiting to be a part of America. Some of them don’t even know it yet! But they will.”
The new flag, which stretches three times the length of the original, features a dramatically enlarged blue canton that occupies nearly two-thirds of the design, leaving an awkwardly compressed arrangement of red and white stripes struggling to maintain their traditional proportions. The existing 50 stars are huddled together in a tiny corner, looking visibly nervous, while the rest of the canton remains an ominous, vacant abyss of power-hungry anticipation.
“This is about manifest destiny 2.0,” explained Stephen Miller, one of the chief architects of the redesign. “America isn’t just a country; it’s an idea. An idea that other countries should be America. By strategically expanding the blue field, we’re sending a clear message to the world: It’s only a matter of time.”
Critics Call It ‘Disturbingly Premature’
Not everyone is thrilled about the new flag’s bold design. Historians and vexillologists (flag nerds) have raised concerns that the flag’s overwhelming blue canton creates an unsettling “ominous void,” a term not typically associated with patriotic imagery.
“This is an absurd departure from traditional flag design,” said Dr. Evelyn Buchanan, professor of American History at Yale. “Historically, we add stars only after a territory officially becomes a state. This redesign implies a preemptive annexation of… well, everything.”
International leaders have also expressed alarm. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, upon seeing the design, reportedly turned pale and whispered, “Oh God, we’re next.” Meanwhile, the European Union has scheduled an emergency summit to discuss “precautionary star removal strategies.”
Merchandising Frenzy Begins
Despite the controversy, the redesigned flag has already been fast-tracked into production, with MAGA enthusiasts enthusiastically embracing the change. The Trump campaign has launched a limited-edition line of merchandise, including “Future Conquest” hats, “Room for You” bumper stickers, and collectible statehood application forms pre-addressed to the White House.
“This is the most American thing we’ve ever done,” said campaign spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany, smiling as she held up a new flag featuring a hastily photoshopped outline of Greenland. “And it’s only going to get more American from here.”
As of press time, the White House was reportedly reviewing a proposal to add a tagline to the flag that reads: “Coming Soon: You.”
