Richmond, VA – In a groundbreaking move, Brinks Security has announced it has hired the designer of the Talenti Gelato container to develop the most secure armored transport truck in history.
For years, criminals have targeted Brinks trucks with elaborate heists, armed robberies. But those days are over. If the Talenti container is any indication, this new Brinks truck will be utterly impenetrable—not just by criminals, but also by the very guards tasked with unloading it.
“We were inspired by the sheer, incomprehensible strength of the Talenti lid,” said Brinks’ head of security, Raymond Cask. “People have reported dislocating shoulders, breaking household tools, and questioning their own strength while trying to access a pint of Caribbean Coconut. That’s the kind of security we want.”
The new truck, dubbed The Vaultenti, will feature a reinforced polymer exterior, a vacuum-sealed locking mechanism, and a proprietary screw-top access system that requires “at least three grown men and an existential crisis” to open. Early prototypes have already proven effective—so effective, in fact, that one test vehicle has remained unopened for six weeks, its contents presumed to still be inside.
Critics argue that the new design may be too secure. “If we can’t get the money out, how do we pay people?” asked a Brinks employee who wished to remain anonymous. The company is reportedly considering including a small plastic film under the truck’s main door to “provide a false sense of hope.”
