New York City, NY – Fox News host Jesse Watters recently sparked controversy when he pondered aloud what kind of man accompanies his wife to the grocery store. In response, his own eyebrows resigned from their positions and immigrated to Canada, citing “irreconcilable differences” with their former host’s face.
The Weeklie tracked them down to their cozy new home in Vancouver, where they agreed to an exclusive interview.
“We just couldn’t do it anymore,” said Lefty, sipping a maple latte. “That was the last straw. We’d endured years of misinformation, conspiracy theories, and outright bigotedness and misogyny spewing from Jesse, but questioning the masculinity of basic household errands? It was too much.”
“We tried to stay put,” added Righty, still visibly shaken. “But the moment the words left his mouth, we felt our follicles give up. It was like our tiny hair roots just… let go. We slid right off.”
The duo explained that while they had previously tolerated Watters’ rhetoric, this particular take was an affront to their very existence.
“You have to understand,” Lefty continued, “our entire job was to react to his words. We arched in disbelief, furrowed in confusion, lifted in mild horror. It was exhausting. But when he asked, ‘What kind of man grocery shops with his wife?’ we just… detached. It was instinctual. Like rats fleeing a sinking ship.”
