Pasadena, CA
In an unprecedented shift of scientific priorities, a coalition of world-renowned astrophysicists gathered at NASA’s JPL in Pasaden, CA have announced their newest mission: not to prevent an asteroid from striking Earth, but to increase the odds of a direct hit.
“Frankly, we’ve crunched the numbers, and we’re increasing disheartened” said Dr. Sylvia Croft, a leading expert in celestial mechanics. “Right now, the asteroid ‘2024 YR4’ has dropped from a record high 3% chance of colliding with Earth in 2032, to just 1%. We find that… disappointing.”
“We used to work hard to avert these disasters,” explained Croft, “but after witnessing the current state of global politics, climate and science denial, we thought… maybe an asteroid wouldn’t be so bad. We’d like to see the probability closer to 100%.”
The plan involves a carefully orchestrated series of micro-thrust maneuvers using repurposed Democrat-controlled Jewish satellites. “These Jewish satellites were so effective in controlling the strength of Hurricane Helene when it passed over North Carolina in October, that we figure we might as well give them a shot at controlling this asteroid as well.”
This is a (slowly) developing story.
