Washington, D.C.
In a stunning display of economic patriotism and historical revisionism, President Donald J. Trump has announced a 50% tariff on all merchandise, ticket sales, hot dogs, and parking passes associated with the NFL’s Washington Commanders, stating that the “very weak, woke name” has cost America “billions in spiritual morale.”
Speaking at a hastily organized press conference held between the 14th and 15th holes of his West Palm Beach golf course, President Trump declared the move “a bold stand for real football fans and real Americans.”
“They were once called the Redskins — a beautiful, strong name. Legendary name. Some say the greatest team name in the history of teams. Then the woke mob came along and poof — Commanders? Sounds like a failed Netflix series,” Trump said, waving a foam tomahawk.
The tariff, effective immediately, will reportedly apply to all Commanders-branded items, including jerseys, foam fingers, and even commemorative bobbleheads. NFL officials expressed confusion, noting that tariffs generally apply to foreign imports — to which Trump replied, “Exactly. The name ‘Commanders’ was clearly imported from Canada or France or wherever they lost their guts.”
Economists are baffled, but sources inside the administration claim Trump is planning to offer the team an “America First Name Restoration Grant” — funds that would become available once the team resumes using “Redskins” or a “suitably proud, possibly eagle-themed, name with fireworks.”
Meanwhile, Native American groups expressed universal opposition, prompting Trump to clarify that “a great many tribes” actually support him.
“I spoke to Chief Big Ratings this morning. He said, ‘Sir, bring it back,’” Trump claimed, without evidence.
The Commanders organization has yet to officially respond, though an anonymous staffer leaked that they are considering renaming the team the “Washington Trumps” just to avoid further sanctions.
Asked whether the tariff might alienate football fans, Trump responded, “No, the fans love it. I’ve heard from at least three tailgaters in Lot D who say it’s the best policy I’ve ever passed — and I passed a lot of policies. Big ones. The best.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering similar tariffs on the Cleveland Guardians and any Major League Baseball team with “not enough eagles, warriors, or raw masculine energy.”
